On The Day You Were Due II

As I re-read my last post, I felt a mix of emotions. I anxiously awaited this day to come for the last several weeks. The ache is still fresh, and just as bad as it gets in February. My feelings are very much the same as last years post, but new feelings, and a new me, have emerged as well.

I still cry…Just the other week, I was texting my dad and talking about Chase and I didn’t realize I was crying until sobs were coming out and tears were streaming down my face. I never knew it was possible to cry without realizing it. After it happened, I realized I hadn’t cried for myself in awhile. I have been so focused on helping others, crying for their losses…It still feels surreal that we lost you, Chase.

I’m still angry…I don’t think I’ll ever not be angry when I read these terrible stories of parents abusing their child, or neglecting them…Why were they blessed with a child, when mine was taken away?

I still don’t know how to respond when someone says I’m strong; to be honest, I feel weak, and vulnerable. I am extremely defensive of Christopher, Charlotte, & Chloe, and have lost relationships because of it. Just like us, they’ve experienced something no one ever should. Not only did they lose their brother, they’ve seen Chris & I at our absolute low & have been there through this “journey” with us. I still go to therapy; I don’t know how I would have been if someone in the group didn’t say “keep coming; it will help”.  I think I said it best in my last post, “They are strong…and they may be the reason I am still standing. I am just a mother who couldn’t settle for “we don’t know why this happened”. I needed an answer, and I needed my son to have a purpose.” But the “they” has grown to include so many other people…some I’ve never even met.

In therapy, we talk often about “getting back to normal” after losing a child. When I first started therapy, someone told me about finding a “new normal”, that I’ll never be the same. I never could have imagined how right that person would be. Chase has made me aware of things that I never knew before him. I never knew of stillbirth before Chase; I never knew how often it happens. When we lost Chase, I felt so alone; I didn’t know of anyone who lost their baby. Before Chase, I stressed over the most ridiculous things; while my husband will tell you I still stress, I always have a voice in my head saying “you’ve been through a lot worse..keep this in perspective”. We held our breaths, & tried again…and Chase is now a big brother to his beautiful baby sister, Chloe. I’ll never forget the moments after Chloe was born..Chris & I just kept repeating “She’s alive…” I don’t take anything for granted and am sad that I ever did.

Chase has helped me accomplish far more than I could have thought I was capable of doing. And I can’t help but think now that his purpose was too big for me to understand. Because of Chase, a Non-Profit organization was created that has helped families of loss at THREE hospitals in less than a year…Chase has helped so many families…Thousands of dollars have been raised in his memory..in support of our mission..his purpose. Again, sometimes, everything seems surreal. While I’ve lost relationships, I’ve also gained new ones. I’m not alone; so many people have reached out & shared their story with me. I have amazing family, friends, people I haven’t even met supporting my family & I.

I think of you every day, Chase, & feel you with us. You’re doing amazing things, sweet boy. I can’t believe it’s been a year since your due date…
I love you ~ Mommy

On The Day You Were Due

July 8th, 2015.

In January, I was planning my maternity leave…We thought Chase would be born just before July 4th…We talked about being at the beach with him and having the summer home with all of the kids… That was me; the planner. The thought never crossed my mind, “but what if something goes wrong?”. I’ve said this about myself previously..how stupid. Since Chase passed, I still thought about July 8th. How am I going to be? What will I do that day?

The truth is, I feel the same as every day since February 17th. I still can’t believe my child passed away. I am still angry. I am still heartbroken. I still call Chris randomly and say, “Can you believe….?”.

It has been 5 months since Chase passed and for the last month I have really struggled with the word “strong”. I have gotten so much support and so many people have written me. But, each time someone says I’m strong, I catch myself shaking my head, “no”. I’m not strong. I still cry, a lot. I didn’t talk at group therapy for 3 months, not one word. I can’t talk about Chase without breaking down. I still picture Christopher & Charlotte playing with their baby brother & get so angry that they were robbed of that.

I have seen others around me be strong. I couldn’t have called the funeral director like my husband did to plan Chase’s funeral. I couldn’t have held it together while picking out a cross necklace in remembrance of Chase, and then held it in the car and prayed…like my 4 year old son did. They are strong…and they may be the reason I am still standing. I am just a mother who couldn’t settle for “we don’t know why this happened”. I needed an answer, and I needed my son to have a purpose.

And now? Come July 8th, Chase has helped other families who have experienced the worst possible tragedy. He has also helped families commemorate their loved ones. And, he has helped me not take one minute for granted; life is too short & no matter how much we plan, there are things that happen, that you’d never want to have in your plans.

As your “due date” approaches, I hope you’re proud, my sweet angel.

My Biggest Regret

I know the answer to this right away. Along with Christopher walking over to the hospital bed to see his brother, is another image that replays in my head every day, multiple times. My biggest regret? Is a book.
I remember laying there, with a blank expression & swollen eyes. My husband was sitting in the chair next to my bed holding Chase in one arm, and his phone in his hand. He was frantically searching through websites on the hospitals slow Wifi for a book…That was the one memory he wanted to have with Chase. He “Googled” and scrolled, and tried some but the story was cut off…Until he found a short version of “The Foot Book”, one that he had read to Christopher and Charlotte and settled for that.
I hate myself for not having one brain cell working to just think to call someone to bring a book to the hospital. That is all it would have taken. Chris would have gotten to read Chase a book. But instead, I wasn’t thinking and Chris never got to read Chase a full book.
This might seem small to some, but if you knew my husband, you would understand why this hurts me so much. Chris is selfless, patient, and just genuinely nice to everyone. He is who my 4 year old takes after. Chris is the one who had to call the funeral director, who had to work out the details for Chase’s memorial service because I cried the entire time. Chris is the one who had everything organized for us to go to Chase’s cremation ceremony. Chris is the one who called the church to organize the service. And all he wanted to do with his son, was read him a book; And I didn’t help him with that.
I have lost sleep over the image of Chris scrolling through his phone that night. I remember it so vividly. It’s this regret that helps drive me to help other families going through this; to alleviate any ‘regrets’, because the loss of a child is a heavy enough cross to bear.
Chris picked the book that will be included in the “Making Memories” boxes; “Guess How Much I Love You”.

The BEST Advice I Can Give

Every time I tell someone that my 4 year old met his brother who had passed away…their reactions are all the same; Shocked…Every time. If I can change just one person’s mind about this through our story, I have accomplished something  through Chase’s story. Because Chris & I’s reactions were the very same, and in a quick moment we listened to the advice of our grief counselor. I’ll never forget the moment Denise asked, “Does Chase have siblings?”

Chris and I answered with a simple, “Yes”. Denise then asked, “Are they going to come to meet Chase?”. Without hesitation Chris & I shook our heads and said, “No..No, we don’t want them to go through this.” We then received the BEST piece of advice throughout this whole experience. Denise explained to us that Christopher knew there was a baby..he had his own expectations, just as we did. He needs closure, too. If he didn’t have his own closure, he would be left to only imagine it & at 4 years old, imaginations can run wild. She said he will always ask questions. Denise also pointed out something we didn’t even think about…This was our ONLY opportunity for a family picture.

If Denise did not make it in (it was snowing all day and there was a chance she wouldn’t), we would not have the family pictures..and Christopher would not have had his closure. I have written Denise at least 7 “Thank yous” since…I will NEVER be able to repay her for what she has given my family. Denise gave us our “Family Picture”, Christopher his closure, and me a whole new level of respect for my 4 year old son.

To define Christopher is impossible. He is too nice for this world and sincerely wants every single person to be happy. His laugh is infectious, and his smile will melt your heart. This is probably why I wanted to guard him from feeling the pain of losing his brother; no one should experience this pain..especially a four year old. I still struggle with this thought and the picture of Christopher…so proud, with a huge smile on his face…walking into the hospital room to meet his brother.

Everyone had left our room so Chris & I could talk Christopher through what happened to Chase..I never knew that air could have weight until that moment. Every ounce weighed down on me..and there Christopher was..bopping over to me, anxious to see the baby…

Christopher has always been very into the Catholic faith and the story of Jesus. We go to Church regularly and Christopher asks for a new story about Jesus each time. I was never so thankful for his knowledge and faith than I was now.

As Christopher neared the bed with his nervous smile, his first words were “He is so adorable! Isn’t he mom?!” I thought my heart had been completely broken already, but this was its final straw. I simply said, “Yes, bud, he is” and fought with every fiber in my body not to cry hysterically. My husband then talked slowly to Christopher..He told Christopher that Chase was SO excited to meet him, but he was born too tiny for this world. That Chase has to stay with Jesus so he can take care of Chase; that we couldn’t bring Chase home…Christopher was completely silent as he processed what Chris said and stared at Chase. And then, in all of his innocence, Christopher said “OK, Dad…Can I hold him, mom?” If that isn’t strength..I don’t know what is. Christopher amazed me at that moment, and has ever since..

As Christopher held his brother, we explained to him that Chase would be watching him every day..that he could pray to him whenever he wanted to and he would hear him. He listened to us, but didn’t stop smiling while looking at his baby brother. After a little while, he said” I’m going to nickname him, Cherry, because I love his red face”. And that was it. He accepted it…was OK with it…and was unbelievably strong about it.

Christopher now prays to Chase every night and tells him about his day…he talks about him all of the time..& even has gotten “signs” of his own. One day we were driving and Christopher just randomly said “Chase..I love when you surprise me!” Chris & I looked at each other, then back at Christopher in the backseat, and asked “What?” Christopher then said “Look…in the clouds…it looks like angel wings…it’s Chase”.

The toys the kids are holding in the picture are thanks to my quick thinking husband…When Charlotte was born, we had her give Christopher a gift when they first met to try to “ease the jealousy”. Chris made a quick phone call to his dad and asked him to pick two toys for Christopher and Charlotte from the hospital gift shop. When Charlotte came into the room after our talk with Christopher, we gave the kids these gifts “from Chase”…This was the only opportunity for their baby brother to give them a gift, and I can’t thank my husband enough for his ability to think this while his world was crashing, too. Christopher & Charlotte both thought it was so awesome, and Christopher started talking about the gift he got from Charlotte when she was born. It’s amazing what kids remember…and I hope Christopher always remembers the day he met his baby brother.

When the Day is Over, Memories Are All We Have

After I had Chris call our family members to announce that Chase had been born, I blurted out, “Please let them know that they can come up to meet him!”. Many couples, I’m sure, would like to keep this day to themselves, and when I have thought about it since, I’m shocked that my husband and I didn’t just spend the day alone with Chase, but am actually so grateful I blurted out what I did. I was raised in a very family-oriented family, I knew prior to this tragedy that my parents & siblings were supportive of me, and were always a source to count on. What I didn’t know, was the strength of my family, & my extended family; and “family” doesn’t only mean blood. It is your family that catches you when you fall; and I completely understand the meaning of this now.

To lose a child is absolutely devastating to say the very least. You feel every piece of your heart shatter…multiple times. Your world crashes and spins all at the same time to the point you feel sick. And still, that explanation doesn’t do it justice. Once reality hits you, you look for comfort & the fact that I have found comfort in some memories of the day Chase was born, is both ironic but beautiful to me. Because, once that day is over, memories are all that we have.

Chase met all of his grandparents, all of his aunts and uncles, his brother, his sister, his cousin, even his great uncle and I love knowing that in his short time here, Chase was SO loved. We have pictures with everyone holding Chase. We had the hospital room full for his Baptism. The room was filled with teddy bears, flowers, and cards. My sister brought Chase a small rosary that he wore all day…Chris and I held that same rosary and prayed during his cremation ceremony. I am so comforted by these thoughts and now couldn’t imagine being all alone with Chase & not having him meet his wonderful family! We also gifted each of our family members the opportunity to hold our son…to see him in his brief time here…an opportunity they, just like us, will never have again.

I will write more about our decision to have Chase meet his siblings, as that is another post, or maybe even two…

10:49am

…yet another moment the whirlwind halted; this time, just for a brief second. Just before the questions began to hit us, one after another. At 10:49am my beautiful angel baby was born. At this time, Chase also gave me his first and most important sign…that Chase passed peacefully… When he was born, his little arms were folded by his face; like he was in a peaceful sleep…Not a care in the world..I hold onto that image of my son, every day.

The first decision was my husband’s..While standing there crying & devastated, my husband was asked if he wanted to cut the umbilical cord. Without hesitation, Chris answered “Yes..Yes, I do”. Our other two children were born via c-section, so this was a unique experience he has only with Chase; and I am so proud of him for gathering the strength to have this experience with Chase.

The next question came immediately, as the doctor knew, just as we did, our time was limited to spend with our baby.
“Do you want the baby right away or do you want me to wash him up first?”
Through tears and sobbing, we answered “No, we want him right away…please.” The nurse wrapped Chase up in a blanket and handed him to me. He looked absolutely perfect; Which was beautiful, but made me so angry at the same time. What happened? He looked like a perfectly normal baby…he had the same eyes, forehead, and nose as his brother, Christopher. He had the same lips as his sister, Charlotte. He had long fingers, long skinny legs, and big feet, just like his dad. I pleaded with God for what felt like forever to just let him open his eyes..Chris & I stared at Chase for about a half an hour..pointing out the similarities between the siblings, smiling through our heartache at each little one..

Almost instinctively I asked Chris to start calling our families to announce that they had a grandson/nephew watching over them..

My first piece of advice though is to pack our own camera. The nurses grabbed our camera & took pictures, the grief counselor took pictures..we had over 250 pictures taken in just that one day. I couldn’t imagine NOT having the pictures..We have a picture book, a collage in our dining room, pictures on Chase’s shelf, a picture on a vase…and then, a moment happened that I was more thankful for those pictures than ever.

The week after Chase had passed away, Chris & I sat down with Christopher and worked through a workbook with him about how he was feeling. The one question asked “What would you like to do to remember your baby brother?” Christopher answered “Have pictures of us in my room”. Who would have thought? I cried, hugged him, and put the pictures of the two of them into frames right away; he has 6 of them on his dresser…He was the proudest big brother..

“Total Mind F…”

…those were the words I said to my husband when we got to the maternity ward and sat down at the check-in desk..& it was exactly that.

We sat down, filled out the same papers, went through the same process as we did when our son & daughter were being delivered. Except this time, we were here to deliver our child that had passed away. Except this time, the woman at the desk said “Let the doctor know Kristin is here”. That whirlwind that started at the ultrasound appointment hadn’t stopped yet; but moments like when I saw Christopher sitting there playing his tablet made it stand still. Hearing the woman say those words was one of those moments. They knew me… they knew what happened…They were waiting for me…I felt like the black sheep.

Before I knew it, I was sitting on a hospital bed in my gown. The nurse who came in didn’t know what to say; She was the first to encounter my husband & I. We were confused, angry, heartbroken..and she needed to go through her normal routine. And again, I was hooked up to the same machine to monitor my contractions; this time, though, there was no fetal heart monitor. I couldn’t bare to look at the screen as I did previously to watch my contractions. My husband winced, closed his eyes, & then began to cry, too. With my previous children, I complained about those uncomfortable metal circles digging into my belly… How stupid now… I would have given anything to have had those now..and to hear his little heart..

The doctor came in almost immediately & labor was induced. The whirlwind went on as my husband & I sat there, reading over the “literature”. We were given pamphlets on how to “memorialize our baby”, what options we had as far as the baby’s burial, etc. Thinking about it every day since, I would have loved having a pamphlet on “how to spend your day”…”Ideas on how to spend the less than 24 hours you have with your baby”…I hope by telling people about “our day with Chase”, someone finds comfort…someone thinks about this if they are in our position..& they don’t have some of our regrets. Because that’s all your given with your baby…1 day. Think about that & how you’d spend it…Thinking about the big picture, I guess we never know how many days we have..

Chase Robert

On Monday, February 16th, 2015, my husband, 4 year old son, & I were going to an ultrasound to “see” the baby. Christopher, my son, was excited for the new baby; mostly to teach him “knock, knock” jokes. We waited in the waiting room to be called back. Christopher was playing How To Train Your Dragon on his tablet, I was eating mini-snickers, and Chris was playing with Christopher.. “Kristin”.. we were up! We gathered Christopher’s toys and our coats and walked back into the room. The technician started right away, warm jelly on my belly & Christopher’s wide eyes on the screen. She started scanning…My husband and I were wrapped up in Christopher’s excitement “See the baby, Christopher? That is their head! See the hands?” “Yeaa!!” he said. And then, the nurse said “I need to go get the doctor; I’m not seeing what I need to see.” And with that, she left. We waited..and waited..Christopher played on his tablet..Chris rubbed my belly and talked to the baby..20 minutes had gone by. And then, in an instant, we had the technician, the doctor, and a nurse in our room. No one said anything..the technician just started scanning again. The doctor asked me, “How far along are you?”..”I’m 20 weeks”…”Has everything been OK throughout the pregnancy?”…”Yes” I replied “Is something wrong?!”…I couldn’t hold it in, but the scanning, and the awkwardness of the doctor and the stillness of the room were all so intense. And then I realized why; I remember it vividly. The doctor looked at Christopher and asked, “Does he know about the pregnancy?”…”Yes” I said “He knows there is a baby”. And then, with that, the doctor said the words “We are not seeing a heartbeat”.

In what felt like a whirlwind around me, Chris was on the phone with my parents, the nurse was handing me tissue after tissue, the doctor was getting my OBGYN on the phone…and there was Christopher. Sitting there, playing his tablet.

No matter what, there is NO preparing for this. I started this blog, though, to offer some ideas on how to spend “your day” and also highlight the strength I found in my 4 year old, Christopher.